shadow dancing

When I recognize that my need for a “witness” is actually a gift from a loving God who sees me and invites me to live in the light of His gracious gaze, I then must wrestle with the twisted craving for worldly attention that lingers in my heart. I have acknowledged this craving in previous posts, so the idea is not new. But, the fact is that my longing for attention persistently and covertly works its way into my motivations, perverting much of what I do and say in the course of a given day. Even the actions and words that I might intend to offer or appear to offer to the Lord can be infected by the disease.

So, what do I do about it? Certainly, I can and should be honest with the Lord about the problem, confessing my sin and inviting Him to transform my desires. But as I do that, I need to expect that He has heard my prayer and will answer it. This expectation moves me to be on the lookout for “helps” that the Lord will send my way to assist me in this battle against my ego-mania.

And what might such a help look like? I would suggest that any circumstance that places me in the shadows has the potential to prove highly useful as a weapon in this war. One of the best ways to destroy a sinful craving is to STARVE it. Unfortunately, as an American, I don’t like the word “starve” very much and am not used to depriving myself of things that my flesh really wants. Fasting, for example, is a spiritual discipline that I have been slow to cultivate. However, sin seems to be almost organic in nature, growing as it is fed and diminishing as it is deprived of nourishment. In the flesh, I am naturally drawn to opportunities and circumstances that will put my “star” qualities on display; that will earn me the attention and admiration that I am convinced I deserve. Unsurprisingly, the more often this desire is satisfied, the stronger it grows and the hungrier it becomes (like Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors, “Feed me, Seymour!”).

But what happens when I find myself in someone else’s shadow? It may be the shadow of a highly successful parent, or of an older or younger sibling, or of a co-worker, or of a neighbor, or of a brother or sister in the church, or of my own spouse. The motivation to escape from the shadow of this person can be a powerful driving force. Something within me yearns to at least be recognized as their equal, if not their superior. I may find it difficult to appreciate their success or celebrate their victories. I may find it easy to quietly enjoy their failures or even find some twisted pleasure in their hardships. This person becomes for me an enemy, perhaps without ever having engaged in a single act of aggression against me. Why? Because I want the attention that they get.

Consider, though, how this relationship changes if I have been dancing the dance of lowliness, walking the path of humility. Let’s say I have confessed my craving for recognition to the Lord, and have admitted that I am not satisfied with living before an audience of One. I have asked Him to humble me and to refine me so that my joy is genuinely found in living for Him alone. Later that day, I am on the phone with my grandmother and she starts raving about how proud she is of my older sister (who is an imagined character in this imagined scenario). As numerous members of my family often do, my grandmother begins to run through a list of my sister’s accomplishments and admirable character traits. I can feel the resentment rising within me, as it has many times before.

But then, I’m reminded of the request that I recently made to the Lord, and I realize that this is perhaps the first of many helps from Him in stifling that need to be recognized and cultivating a comfort with the shadows. I can sense that my pride is really ticked off and it strikes me that this is actually a good thing. I settle into the moment, allowing my ego to take a hefty beating, and thanking the Lord for answering my prayer. In fact, if I really want to stick it to my pride, I may even add a couple of my own positive comments about my sister to the conversation. Before I know it, I find myself inwardly rejoicing each time someone praises my sister in my presence. What once depressed or enraged me inwardly, now brings delight because I recognize the experience for what it really is: a gracious gift from the Lord that helps me by humbling me, that lifts me by lowering me.

It really is amazing to consider the potential freedom that may come from embracing humility. How many people are there in my life who cast shadows over me in one way or another; shadows that I have until now deeply resented and fought to escape? How many relationships have been hindered by my jealousy of another person’s success? The dance of lowliness teaches me that spiritual success is often found far away from center stage. The steps of this dance often lead me away from the spotlight and into obscurity, as far as the world is concerned. But surprisingly, and paradoxically, I am coming to find that the light of God’s love shines brightest on those who gladly dance in the shadows. And the more I come to enjoy shadow dancing, the more capable I am of enjoying the people around me whose success and popularity and giftedness were once nothing more than a threat to my happiness.