showing my color

Although I’m sure I’ll revisit the subject of prayer again in the future, I want to turn my attention to a different topic in this entry. In a recent conversation, I found words escaping from my mouth that showed the true color of my heart for a moment; and the color was green.

I was talking with someone about the French courses that I’m presently taking, and found myself commenting on another student who is in several of my classes with me. I began by speaking some words of praise for this student, but very soon shifted to recounting a recent experience that made him look bad. As I wrapped up the story, I felt uncomfortable with myself. My gut seemed to be talking to me, telling me, “something just went wrong.” And indeed it had.

As I reflected on the words I had just spoken, I realized that they revealed an envy of this person that I had not previously acknowledged to myself. He happens to be a doctoral student at Boston University, studying to be a literature professor. He is exceptionally intelligent and seems to have a photographic memory. His mastery of the English language and near mastery of French leave us all in awe at times, professors included.

So, perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised at the appearance of some jealousy in my heart. But the truth is that I was surprised; not just at the jealousy, but at the ugly way that, in this particular moment, I had taken pleasure in his pain.

I’ve been thinking for several days now about a passage from James chapter 3. It says:

Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such ‘wisdom’ does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.

I’m struck by several things in these verses. First, it is interesting that James contrasts the humility that comes from wisdom with the envy that comes, ultimately, from the devil. He links envy to selfish ambition, and says that it is rooted in an earthly and unspiritual way of thinking. Another way of looking at this is simply to say that envy and selfish ambition come from pride.

And that doesn’t surprise me at all. The student that I mentioned above is strong in areas that I think I am strong in as well. The problem is that he is stronger. Why does his superior strength threaten me? Because I think I’m something special. The pride within me would like me to believe that I have reason to boast about certain qualities that I possess. When the value of these qualities is diminished in comparison with someone else, this can undermine my self-esteem . . . which makes me feel sad.

When this happens, I am faced with several possibilities. I could simply be depressed. I could look for ways to forget or drown out my sense of inferiority. I could work really hard to assert myself in some area in such a way that would enable me to feel superior once again . . . at least until someone comes along and out-does me in that area as well.

Or, I could let the appearance of envy remind once again of my need for grace. This apparition calls to mind the reality of pride in my heart. If I’m honest with myself, I know that I am powerless to combat this problem; incapable of changing my condition. So, I cry out to the Lord for grace. I remind myself that this battle is his, and I ask him to fight it on my behalf. I confess my sin to the Savior and invite him to cleanse me once again through the blood that he shed for me on the cross. I ask him to fill me with his Spirit, his life-giving Spirit who transforms me from the inside out with resurrection power. I trust him to help me walk in lowliness for the remainder of this day.

One other contrast from this text that caught my attention was that of envy as opposed to peace-making. The envious person is consumed with himself. The peace-maker is concerned for others. The envious person is incapable of communicating peace, because his neighbor, whoever that may be, is always a potential threat to his sense of self. The peace-maker’s sense of self is rooted in the fact that he is accepted in Christ, a reality that is never in peril, that is never threatened by the success or greatness of others. The envious person is on the lookout for weaknesses and flaws in others, which give him a basis for feeling superior over them. The peace-maker is on the lookout for the evidences of God’s grace in others, so that he can call their attention to the Lord’s loving presence in their lives.

I must admit that it disgusts me to see envy in myself. However, even this evidence of sin in my heart is redeemed when I give it over to my Good Shepherd. He uses it to draw me closer to himself, to convince me that I need him just as much today as I did when I first believed.

My Lord, please deliver me of all envy and selfish ambition. Fill me with your peace. Fill me with that security that comes from knowing I have been chosen and adopted by a loving Father through faith in his Son. Empower me today to communicate your peace to others around me, I pray. Amen.