an apparent contradiction

“Mission . . . must take the form of servanthood. Only in this way can it escape the charge of arrogance.” (G. Thompson Brown)

I have been struggling with what seems to be a significant contradiction in my life pursuits. On the one hand, I have given significant time and energy to learning about how to nurture humility and starve pride in my life. However, I am presently employed as a missionary. The idea behind my vocation is that I have a message that others need to hear in order to be saved. They are missing some vital information that I have; and I need to tell them about it. And here lies the conflict: the very nature of my profession would seem to foster an attitude of superiority rather than lowliness.

There are plenty of statistics to show that missionaries tend to be “fix-it” people with varying degrees of what might be considered a “savior” complex. Sometimes I wonder if the Lord didn’t design foreign missions primarily to get people like me so far out of their comfort zone that they can’t help but be convinced of how tiny, insignificant, and powerless they really are to do anything that really matters for the kingdom of God. Through the centuries, the mission field has served as a reliable reducer of over-sized egos.

In the past several weeks, I’ve had some first-hand experience with the damage that can be caused by an attitude of superiority, even when the person with the superiority problem is entirely unaware of it. The first time someone here told me that they felt judged by me, it took me entirely off guard. I didn’t think I was judging anyone. On the contrary, I thought that I had been pretty humble and lowly in my interactions with folks since my arrival. The fact is that it’s hard to be proud when your 5-year old neighbor communicates far better in the local language than you do. But somehow, with my limited abilities in french, I had found a way to communicate an attitude of superiority. My pride found a way to poke through the dry ground of this new living environment in no time fast.

Moments like this can leave me feeling hopeless, wondering what the heck I’m doing here. Who do I think I am coming to another country to try and convince people that they need to be saved through faith in Christ? At times it can feel like nothing more than a personal ego trip gone terribly wrong.

But then, I come across a quote like the one at the top of this entry: “mission must take the form of servanthood. Only in this way can it escape the charge of arrogance.” Something in this quote points me back to Jesus again. He had servanthood written all over everything he did. I think of his words, “The Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Something in these words gives me hope that I might find a way of living this life without the apparent contradiction. Perhaps “humility” and “missionary” are not mutually exclusive states of being.

I can’t pretend to have arrived at a place of rest with this concept yet. I find myself struggling almost daily with various forms of internal conflict and discomfort with this path that I am walking. But the fact that Jesus came this way before me gives me courage. The fact that countless thousands have walked this road, have wrestled with their own uncertainties, have faced off against their own pride and subtle issues with superiority, have come to find great joy and even freedom in this often unrewarding labor inspires me to keep walking another day.

Lord, teach me what it means that mission is servanthood. Show me how to walk the lowly way of the kingdom in a world where faith is increasingly an object of scorn. Help me to fix my eyes upon the One who, for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame. Give me strength today to take up my cross and follow. Amen.