the fight to forgive

Sometimes forgiveness can be a real fight. It is especially hard when the person who has wounded me either doesn’t recognize what they have done, or sees no need to seek forgiveness for it. But, even when the offender does ask for forgiveness, at times I find that it is not easy to genuinely grant it. Why is this? If a person has wronged me and then they look to make it right, why wouldn’t I simply be glad for the opportunity to forgive and move on?

One reason is that, deep down inside, as much as I may want to be restored to right relationship with the person who has hurt me, I also want justice. If I am honest, I must admit that part of the struggle to forgive is that it seems to circumvent the process of payback. You hurt me, and therefore, I want to hurt you back. I want you to feel the pain that I have felt. I want you to recognize how wrong you were in doing what you did or in saying what you said. I want the freedom to use words as my weapons of punishment, with the hope that the verbal lashing I give you will somehow satisfy my craving for justice.

It is amazing how many times I have found myself sliding into “payback”mode even after I have already said to a person, “I forgive you.” Sometimes within the same sentence I can do so. “I forgive you, even if I still have no idea how a nice person like you could have ever said something like that.” Such a sentence would suggest that I have lost the fight to forgive. I may have spoken the words, but I have come nowhere near embracing an attitude of forgiveness. I still want the debt to be repaid.

The rub with forgiveness is that, in order to truly forgive, I have to be willing to absorb in myself the pain of the offense. I must be willing to drop whatever right I feel that I have to repayment or revenge. I must accept the fact that I will never make this person understand what they really did to me, how deeply they hurt me, or how much they disappointed me. When portrayed in this way, forgiveness seems completely illogical; it seems to border on masochism. Why must I suffer while the “criminal” goes free? What pleasure is there for me in that? What benefit is there for me in that?

If it weren’t for the cross of Christ, I would be left with no basis for believing that there was any benefit or pleasure at all to be derived from forgiveness. But Jesus’ death teaches me something extraordinary. Hebrews 12 says that it was “for the joy set before him” that Jesus endured the cross. The cross is the ultimate example of someone absorbing within himself the crimes of another. The debt we owe the Lord could never be repaid, and he knew it. So, he extended forgiveness by way of the cross. This would seem like utter folly if the Bible didn’t clearly make an essential point: that it was this very act of absorbing the offense of his enemy that resulted in his victory, his glory, and his joy. And, I must add, it resulted in my (the offender's) deliverance and spiritual freedom.

Now, as a follower of Christ and child of God, I am invited to follow him as he leads me into victory, glory and joy. As it turns out, one of the great potential barriers to me in walking this path is the barrier of unforgiveness. I am occasionally faced with a difficult question: will I absorb the sin of another against me, fighting (if necessary) to arrive at a place of genuine forgiveness that seeks no repayment for the wrong committed? Or, will I reject the model of Christ, looking instead to the model of the world which suggests that I am better off getting my revenge (whether subtle or overt) whenever and however I can?

As hard as it may be for me to put into practice at times like now when I am faced with my own unwillingness to forgive someone who has wronged me, I am convinced that Jesus is right. I am convinced that his way is the best. I am convinced that my victory, glory and joy are rooted not in exacting repayment for debts, but in forgiving them. I am convinced that my decision to forgive has the potential to bring deliverance and spiritual freedom to my offender.

Lord, give me grace that I might fight the fight of forgiveness. Help me to put into action that which I have become convinced of in my heart. When the moment of decision comes, when I finally stand face to face with the one who hurt me, and the wrong is addressed (if ever that moment does come), empower me to extend grace and forgiveness and nothing more. And help me to do this regardless of how satisfied or unsatisfied I am with the offender’s words and attitude toward me. May my choice to forgive open the door for their delivrance and spiritual freedom. I pray this in the name of my Forgiver, Amen.